I think by the picture above, taken this weekend at 38w+5d while out on a family walk to Starbucks, you can tell that I’m feeling happier with this whole pregnancy thing.
Took me long enough…
I say that with not so much sarcasm as the realization that, as I finally settle into enjoying pregnancy without a net of anxiety sucking me underwater, it’s almost over.
I spent 37 weeks in some state of panic, anxiety, worry, isolation, restlessness, confusion or numbness. Yes, I was also happy and hopeful, but I never felt peaceful. I regret this, but I know I can’t go back.
Getting to peace hasn’t been easy. It’s taken reading everything PALS posts and tons of natural childbirth info, switching OBs and hospitals, attending classes, hiring two doulas, being coached by my colleagues, trying again and again to explain to H what I’m feeling, journaling, crying and more crying, texting with friends, choosing to reach out instead of withdraw, and lots and lots of time.
By the time she arrives, it’ll be 2 years and 2 months of walking this path to parenthood.
All I can do is savor this space I’m in now.
39 weeks means:
- T-1 week until the estimated due date but…
- She could come any time
- Some pelvic pain, so two trips to the chiropractor
- Reveling in every baby kick, wiggle, bump and Braxton Hicks
- The last few days of work and…
- The start of maternity leave, which feels like vacation
- Attending the last class on our list, infant CPR
- My sister coming by to walk Carter for me/with me
- Possibly our last weekend as a family of two
- Getting plaster all over the upstairs tile while doing a belly cast
- One last prenatal massage
- Baby feeling like she’s running out of room, and big movements when she’s awake, like maybe she’s trying to say “hi”
- H reading to the belly every night
- Belly heavy enough that rolling over in bed is almost not worth the effort
- Baby dropping lower, so I can finally breathe
- Being able to breathe = more energy = a full night of sleep!
- Friends and family sending texts to check in on us…
- And stating their intentions/predictions for certain birth dates
- A major urge to bake/cook/clean all the things, but mostly sitting on the couch reading/watching hockey/napping
- Trying to enjoy some quiet time alone to prepare for this major transition, reconnecting with myself
- Visiting a few friends in person before I go off the grid
- The hope that all will go as smoothly as it can
The tears come more now from gratitude, for getting to be here with her so close to the outside, my heart ready to burst with anticipation of meeting her. xo