Creating, Feeling, Living

MIA

August 2, 2016

angoralake_tahoe

I had every good intention of posting regularly since I decided to share my pregnancy news, but my emotions had different plans.

I read somewhere that weeks 18 through 26 are the “honeymoon” period of pregnancy. You get to enjoy baby kicks and a cute belly without medical tests or being super uncomfortable. Now on the other side, I can see how that’s true. Those ~8wks were some of the easier ones, and it was good timing because we traveled for a wedding and MOVED APARTMENTS (more on this in a bit).

Each day brings new challenges. It’s like a video game where you’re fighting one type of villain with a certain weapon, and then all these other little monsters come flying out of the corner of the screen requiring a different skill set, and as you master one technique another threat pops up and can only be neutralized by yet another new weapon…of which you have yet to find because you haven’t found the key that unlocks a door to some armory…

You get the point.

Ideas for posts flitted through my head at 22w, 24w, and even this past weekend, when I found myself experiencing dehydration, exhaustion and an inability to sleep. But the writing’s been elusive. Photography fades into the background. My creative spirit is there, but I can’t seem to get enough rest / headspace / quiet to share anything.

I know this is related to my losses. It’s hard to share the good or the bad when I’m frozen, detaching from the current experience to protect my heart. When those losses come flooding back trauma triggered and overwhelming me to the point where I can’t breathe. Where there’s anxiety turning into terror and then gratitude moving to pure joy.

Where I am “grieving AND creating new life at the same time“.

My hope is that I’ll be sharing more here, that I’ve somehow made it through and leveled-up. No guarantees though. If pregnancy is teaching me anything it’s this:

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brené Brown

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