Feeling

Pep Talk

August 10, 2015

babevibes_peptalkPep talk from babevibes this morning.

Today was my due date. The date I stared at on the calendar after bursting into tears when the pregnancy test read positive. Tears that came from a place of I’m not ready for this. A date that, previously, meant nothing to me. A Leo? I thought. Hhhmm.

I still regret my reaction.

I’ve been thinking a lot of auras and chakras. As much as I’m into astrology and learning tarot, I don’t know much about our energy fields and sources. More and more, I am identifying as an empath and HSP.

It sounds crazy, but energetically, I wasn’t ready to have a baby. I think that little spirit who popped in knew that, understood, and exited gracefully. Whatever my logical understanding was of how our lives would change, I had no idea the emotional depths that experience would pull me through.

I didn’t think I wanted to be pregnant, to have a baby, but I would’ve gotten on board. I was willing to be carried along by the process. Then even that was taken away, out of my control again.

I am still processing. I’m still riding those waves.

Last week I took the second pregnancy test of my life – this one came back negative and with a more neutral response compared to the first. Still, my shoulders sagged. I was surprised to feel disappointed, because my logical brain still can not comprehend traveling down that path again. I’d been feeling so emotional, so lousy, so exhausted, I thought maybe I was there again, but that’s isn’t the case.

I struggle with the conscious choice. I’m on the “yes” side of the maybe baby question, but the “when?” sinks me.

I wasn’t ready then, and I don’t think I’m any readier now, but it seems karma is telling me I need to go after this deliberately. Half-assing, leaving things up to fate, are not in the cards.

If I’m going to walk the path of motherhood, I’m going to have to get up and put one foot in front of the other myself. No handrails, no ushering, no moving me along. It’s not something I have to do alone, in fact, it seems this calling will open me up to accepting even more support, but this may not be one of those situations where the switch of intuition flips and the angels sings. I may never know exactly what I want, but this limbo is verging on oblivion.

And I am not a careless person.

So yeah, today may feel like a hot parked car, but I’m getting somewhere. I’m continually feeling myself out. This isn’t a decision anyone else can make for me. I’m working to be quiet and listen. There is no rush. This is my own version of a pep talk. I may be stuck with myself, but I am all I need.

xo

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5 Comments

  • Reply Renee August 10, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    So this post made me burst into tears unexpectedly today! (Yay HSP)

    I am empathizing with the riding of your waves right now, but in a different way, because I haven’t been through the same experience, so as a woman and friend, I can only imagine that part of it.

    But since we last talked, I’ve come down hard on the “yes” side of the maybe baby question, and that in itself has been a struggle, because I’m so far away from being in a place to try to make that happen, and my partner and I aren’t in a place to even have a discussion about it at this point, and yet one month from now I’ll be 33. At 25 I felt like I had so much time to figure things out. But now…”someday” isn’t a far-off thing anymore, and the sense of urgency is gnawing at me lately. From a purely biological standpoint, I’m beginning to feel a time crunch, and what should be an exciting decade of my life is sort of turning into panic mode, and I certainly don’t want that. I’m starting to consider all of the “when”s and “what-if”s and “in five years I’ll be 38 and holy shit, I’ll need to have this and this and this done.” I’m trying to be more intentional about my life (without being controlling, HA), but I’m with someone who is very go-with-the flow and isn’t sure still what they want, and that’s tough, because TIME. But I was that person for SO LONG (and sometimes still am) so I get it.

    Before this becomes a long-ass comment that should just be my own blog post…

    Hugs. Cheers to life and its strange timing and the strength to take on whatever we’re dealt. 🙂

    • Reply jtao21 August 10, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      Ah your comment comes through wonderfully – I am smiling and nodding “yes” the whole time… I get it. I don’t feel a time crunch like you, but just an sense of choosing a path that I am so not sure of, and using time as the way to hold from making that choice… the illusion that I do have a lot of time (and yes, with medical science and my own health, I do have time, but it also feels like I need to decide NOW – I’m not making sense, probably). Sorry for the tears, but I hear you on the HSP / empathy train. I would love to hear about your “yes” side of the fence soon xoxo

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