This photo is from a year ago today. This afternoon I sat at the same desk, sipping a different beverage, doing the work I do to pay the bills. I found this picture while going through my 2012 photos, reviewing my year for Chookooloonks’ Create.2013.
But instead of doing the assigned prompts, I am here, with you. I’m writing out of frustrated with the e-course. We’re supposed to go back through 2012 for all of the good, and then our lives for all of the awesome. This should be fun, life-affirming work, but the tasks seem totally overwhelming. And besides, I already did a review of 2012 in November and December. I’m over reviewing 2012 – I’m ready to get started, and riding high on the energy of a new year.
That’s what I thought this class was, dreaming, looking forward, and journaling to deepen my experience in the world. So far it feels cerebral and a lot like homework.
But I’m not writing because the class sucks. In fact, I’m sure it’s totally fine and working for most people enrolled. What I want to write about is how I feel like, since this isn’t working for me, then I must be sucking. And that I should try harder. Or make myself do it. Or care more. Or any other “should” that comes to mind. I panic that I signed up for the wrong class at the wrong time, or that I’m doing it wrong, or that I’ve wasted my money. And I feel stupid – like there is some trick I’m missing or some piece of information I lack before I can settle in and do this.
This shit is coming up from an e-course I signed up for for fun. And if it’s coming up here, then when else do these gremlins rear their ugly heads? What else am I fighting against each day? How is it that something so simple can turn me against myself?
Luckily, I’m aware of this creeping in, so I’m going to leave it alone for the night. I know nothing’s wrong with me. I know I’ve signed up and it’s the perfectly right time, even if it means the lessons sit in my email until I feel ready to do them. A good night’s sleep and some cuddles will help. And I’ll be sure to check back with an update re: the class itself and my own issues. Until then… xo