This morning, after I took my doggie for a bike ride, I had enough time to cook up a hot breakfast and write for a bit. And hell yeah it was bliss.
Believing that my time is my own to spend how I like is difficult for me. My brain is always a whir of “shoulds” and “have tos”. It’s a constant learning process and it’s unnerving when I acknowledge it – I’m an adult and yet, I don’t feel in charge of my time and energy. It’s as if I’m waiting for someone else to tell me or approve of what I’m doing in each moment. Makes the whole “presence” thing tough.
Being able to sit at my kitchen table this morning, eating yummy food, sipping hot tea, and typing away made me in love with my life. Of course! I was living my life this morning, fully in it and enjoying the moments. You’d think I am always able to sit here and write, or go for a bike ride, or take a nap (which I did for 2hrs after work today) but there is a through-line of unsettledness running underneath it. That I’m doing something wrong. That I’m not being productive enough. That it’s unfair to others if I’m not using my time for them. That I’ll be found out.
It’s silly. It’s my own little busyness gremlin and it’s not going away anytime soon. What does seem to help, though, is recognizing, acknowledging and practicing new habits, like making myself breakfast and writing a bit before work.