I thought I was going crazy. I’ve read this somewhere before, but I really did feel like Linus without his blanket. And I thought, “This week is impossible for this non-numb challenge, b/c work feels insane, I’m PMSing, blah blah…” but it’s the flip. Things feel insane because I’m not giving myself the space to deal. I’m not setting my boundaries, choosing proactive things like long walks and naps, and I’m certainly beating myself up for feeling so tired.
The opposite of being present is busy. ~Brene Brown
I’ve spent a lot of the past 3 years with not much to do, but there is still chaos in my head. I still say “yes” to too many things and I keep myself from doing the soul-supporting activities that feed me. Even though my schedule is not full, I am still busy. My head is full of running ramblings that keep me from being present. That inner turmoil – the worry that I’m not doing enough, being enough or helping enough – is what leads to numbing.
Numbing: This is not a small thing. To take on the behaviors and things we do to keep from feeling, is one of the biggest endeavors ever. We have to create space for this. ~Brene Brown
I’m giving myself permission to create space, to do the things that fill me up and say “no” to the things that don’t. This is very scary to me, because what if I say “no” to something important? That’s a whole other post, I guess. Right now I’m going to focus on taking care of myself.
It’s a process. I’m learning to decipher between indulging and numbing (it’s a hard one). And we’re not perfect, we’re human… so it makes sense that this brings up so much rawness. To strip away the habits that we’ve used to protect ourselves obviously leaves us feeling exposed… but there is a tiny bit of clarity in there that I’m willing to work towards.