As I was frantically vacuuming the entire apartment, my response to today’s #reverb10 post came streaming into my head. This year I’ve let go of the idea that my worth comes from my work.
This may not seem revolutionary, however, having grown up in a family of entrepreneurs, this notion was ingrained in me from a young age. To this day, words like “the office”, “paperwork” and “schedule” pour out of my parents’ mouths as reasons why we can or can’t do something as a family.
Of course, their work, their office, is important to them, but I don’t own my own business right now. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or how much I get done in any given day – my salary stays the same, my responsibilities are level and to make matters worse for my ego, I can’t seem to take on more tasks even as I ask for them.
I was stuck. It was as if life said, “Nope – you’re done. This is all we’ll allow you to work on right now.” I admit I still feel stuck, but what’s changed is my outlook on it all. I’ve let go of my work being my worth. This has allowed me to find more time for writing, reading, and a mental freedom I haven’t experienced before IN MY LIFE.
Work as worth leads back to other panic thoughts, aka “I’m not doing what I should be doing” (which brings in confusion and guilt) and becomes “I am worried I’m not justifying my existence” which really means “I am not enough”.
So what I’m really working on is accepting that I am enough. Working on loving myself as a precious being. To bring new things in, you have to clean up, make room, let go. My work in this area isn’t complete (not sure it ever will be) but I know it’ll continue into 2011 and beyond. I’m grateful I made such a leap this year.