I know there is a cycle to everything, so it doesn’t surprise me this blog is following a random set of dates that very well may be its exact “schedule”. Posting more often is important to me, it’s exhilarating, but life gets in the way. Sometimes I don’t post because I don’t know what to say, have too much to say, don’t have time, or don’t make time. Because it feels too good or really bad. Because I am unsure of how honest I want to be here.
Perfectionism is a topic for another post, but it’s becoming clearer that my perfectionism creates my need to control which in turn masks some perceived weakness I think I have. While this perfection protest is an awesome idea, I find it utterly impossible to participate at this moment. It’s as if it doesn’t compute for me.
This is where I need some space… I hold some belief that I need to fix everyone else’s problems and that it will just.be.easier if I do it myself. They can’t possibly fix their own problems without my help, nor am I acting “responsibly” if I don’t react to their drama. Immediate answers, attention, help and advice for everyone but myself.
It needs to stop. Can’t just snap my fingers, though, and make this happen. It’s going to be a process, a learning experience, just like my job, my relationship, owning a pet and this blog. Perfectionists don’t like learning though – it makes us feel dumb and uncomfortable.
Creating is the best way I can see to skirt around myself and make my way
through on this journey. (I originally wrote “Putting myself first” but that is a loaded statement).
Tanya Davis‘s “How To Be Alone” video made me extremely happy months ago, but today it’s her art video that lifts me up. I’m finding it hard to explain where I’m at beyond what you just read, so maybe Tanya’s words can take the place of mine. I’m very glad she made this art, b/c I did get something good out of it (1:19).
I question the outcome of the outpouring of myself / If I tell everyone my stories will it keep me healthy and well / would it give me purpose / and to this world, some sort of service / is it worth it?