I woke up feeling fine and going about my routine – drink vitamins, feed dog, take him for a walk – but I could feel a heavy feeling gathering. It’s a familiar feeling. It starts with “What should I do today?” slides into “I am so lost” and becomes “I just want to sleep – I hate everything“.
Up until now, I’ve been able to avoid it by staying busy. See, I work alone and my job doesn’t require a lot from me. Most people would find this to be most excellent, but for me, it’s like I do not matter in the whole entire world. Staying busy – scheduled, productive, and enjoying my time alone – is key. Recently it’s been even better because I’ve taken on petsitting a friend’s dog 3x per week. This gives me just enough mental stimulation to feel productive but not so much I want to cry. Plus, it’s extra income. Win.
Wednesday this feeling started (no pet sitting, no work to focus on and rain too!). I wallowed a bit but eventually got my butt to the gym and then hosted an event. Yesterday, after a late night drinking wine and not a lot of sleep, I expected to feel crappy. Still, I hit the gym and did what I could to figure out what the heck to do with all of this time. I just couldn’t get motivated. And then, my dog sniffed another dog the wrong way at the park and ended up with a bite mark and swollen snout. Nothing horrendous, but scary and stressful enough that I felt myself slipping.
We ate leftovers for dinner so I could skip cooking. I took a bath. (Actually, I fell asleep in the tub, which was pleasant, but also disappointing b/c I’m reading “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and wanted to see what happened next.) Feeling better but not 100%, I indulged in some Fage yogurt and then slept – hard – for 6hrs.
Nothing seems to be helping. I feel frustrated and sad – basically, depressed. If there wasn’t a brigade of garbage trucks outside my window, I’d go back to bed. Calling my dad to wish him a happy birthday only made me sadder.
I’ve wasted my whole day. I’ve tried to relax but I can’t. Even reading that the moon is “void of course” (which gave me an ah-ha! moment) didn’t help alleviate the issue. I know this is a phase, blame it on the new moon or the “void of course” moon, venus retrograde or just a not-so-great day. But how do I accept it? How do I move through it? What can I learn from it?
I’ve reached out to a good friend who let me sit in his studio for a while around lunch. Still felt unsettled, but the social contact helped. Even more depressing – I realized the very awesome Integrate in the Rockies run by someone whose blog I <3 (Jen Lee) is the same exact weekend for a tentative trip to Utah. So frustrating.
I’m writing this to keep a record. I can feel myself sinking into anxiety. Feeling extra sensitive to noise, over-stimulated. I don’t know. I know this feeling but can’t describe it and have yet to discover how to alleviate it. Any suggestions?
(Even this post wouldn’t update correctly ::sigh:: Finally fixed the next day…)