I started posting hours ago and then my draft disappeared. Gone. (Stupid Mercury retrograde) It had something to do with the mental struggles of my day – how on paper my job looks like a precious gift that I keep trying to return. How I have co-dependent tendencies. How today I tried to disconnect from the pressure I put on myself to do something when there is nothing to be done. And I feel a whole lot better.
Arg – I’m having such a disheveled time in my head trying express my thoughts coherently. For the record, what I really wanted to note was that today I jumped on a chance to get out of the house, help someone, and not sit around waiting for email to come in. My job doesn’t care about me, so I need to stop caring so much about it.
In lieu of my own explanations, which were eaten by the interweb monsters, I want to share this quote from an Oprah magazine September 2010 issue article. It’s about how we love to fix, update, and improve things, but that maybe we should just love things the way they are.
I have really high standards for everything, but a therapy session and the quote below are making me think even my expectations for “how to spend my days” are way way way too high.
“A good day doesn’t have to be marked by anything noteworthy or unusual. A good day can be one on which nothing memorable happened. A day of which nobody tried to change a single thing.” ~Henry Alford
G told me once, “Instead of punishing yourself for only having completed 3 out of 10 items on your To Do list, why don’t you try to sit with the anxiety of not having done the other 7?Or the pleasure of having completed 3? Because making yourself do a 4th won’t really make you feel any happier than only having done 3. And 3 is enough for one day anyway!”
Maybe a good day is two items completed. Maybe a good day is just where I feel good. If I can shift away from productivity boosting my happiness and allow myself to just BE… I don’t know – take the pressure off and such – maybe I’ll find some relief from the exhaustive stress I feel.
Like right now. Standing up at a bookcase, typing on my laptop, with an ocean breeze in pouring in through the window. This blog post may be the only thing I “accomplish” today, but it’s been extremely fulfilling (even with the deleted draft).
Maybe a good day is just one blog post away 😉