Today I had the acute sense that no one cares. Life is one big, selfish love-fest with everyone putting themselves first. This came directly from feeling ignored or shut out multiple times.
Monday was easy for me b/c I had structured, doable tasks for my job, my business and my personal life, but yesterday I lost all momentum. After doing so much the day before, I woke up with that old feeling of dread – that I was supposed to be doing something, but I couldn’t get myself to do anything.
Today was a combination of both. I felt productive and helpless. I tried to explain this mixture of feelings to more than one person and was met with a lack of empathy. Either they thought I was feeling too much or they tried to trump my frustrations with their own. Luckily, it all slid by and didn’t downward spiral, but I’m starting to worry.
My business is in no way supporting me. I know I’m not doing enough and it’s difficult, scary and takes a lot of courage. My actual day job is a dead-end. I want it to be something it’s not and now I’m worried that it’ll disappear for lack of funds. I don’t feel comfortable enough with my business to pursue it full-time and yet, I feel if I change jobs I’m just adding a different type of stress and frustration to my life.
But I’m not that different from a lot of people my age. We were told we’re supposed to expect the best, BE the best, everyone gets a trophy. We crave attention, flexible schedules wanting to work smarter, not harder. College diplomas were earned, first jobs were started, and then the recession hit. Now, 3+ years later, we’re all sitting around thinking, “WTF?”
So, I’m stuck, as stuck as the rest of my peers. We’re all job hunting. After working so hard to get to here, we think “where the hell is here?” We’re all looking for something more – and still being pressured by our parents to do so. So, no, it’s not just the loan bills or weak salaries that take a toll – we’re still trying to live up to that expectation that we are all going to be CEOs, doctors, President. And we’re not. The kicker is that we’re not even sure that’s what we really want even if it is attainable!
We were raised with the idea that if we work hard we deserve the world, not that we earned the world. There’s a lack of responsibility in that statement. I am trying to take responsibility for my life. Like I wrote earlier, I am not a victim. My life is blessed compared to most but at the same time, this is not what I thought I’d be getting.
It’s an issue of expectations and perspective and attitude. This tiny post is just the tip of this enormous topic changing a work force that I’m not even a player in. Overall though, I just want to work hard, and I want to be appreciated for my hard work. Is that too much to ask?