Living, Photographing

Photography Novice

June 22, 2010

High School photo club was originally just an excuse to spend time with my freshman boyfriend. Then it became a way to avoid going home after school. The developer bin held black and white film prints I shot the week before fading into view. Somehow, the photos I took began to matter, to catch the attention of my teacher. Photography class was challenging and rewarding and now I know why – it was a no pressure, playful hobby.

I could say my parents ignored this interest because they didn’t push it like they did (do) music, but to their credit they did buy me a Canon Rebel.

Just being...

I took tons of pictures in high school, culminating with poster-size handmade collages for my graduating friends. But those collages coincided with a very intense and raw relationship that would turn my whole self upside-down.

Whether it was that relationship, a Saturn Cycle or just the course my life took, my inner-self cracked and refracted from then on. I ended up continuing on my originally planned path but somehow a different person.

I stopped taking pictures. Writing songs felt like immersing myself in a bathtub of ice. Journalling was fragmented and scarce. Frustrated crying became a daily occurrence. My creative self, smack in the middle of music college, froze.

Timewarp Guitar Store

And that’s where I’ve been for the past 8 years, just beginning to thaw out. It’s starting with a small inkling, a tiny voice that says “Yes you can”. Not in regards to changing the past but in response to one of the questions I repeatedly ask of myself “Am I really allowed to do this?”

Turns out, I’m allowed to do whatever I want to do. This is a fairly new realization for me (don’t laugh). Hence, this blog. As my friend Steph says “No one’s watching”. I think she means this in a restrictive, scared way, as if we’re standing on the edge of a cliff without a rope and harness. But I’m learning to feel out the opposite, expansive option. That listening to my wants and acting on them has to be one of the best feelings in the world.

So, when I first saw the Hipstamatic iPhone app I rebelled. “What a cop-out! That person thinks they’re so cool” I thought. The tiny voice inside me said, “I kinda like it” but the Critic PERFECTIONIST shoved that interest aside. “What a freakin’ FAKE!” it said.

That right there is a general example of my daily thoughts. Tiny Voice (TV) suggests something cute, fun, different and Critic Perfectionist (CP) shoots it down with a sniper shot to the head. But I’m trying oh-so-hard to tune in to TV and really hear what she has to say. I bought the app and started taking some pictures. And as much as CP creeps up and says, “These suck. They only look good b/c a stupid app that anyone can use” I ignore it and keep going. Because this is another form of my current self-expression. And as silly as the app is, as simple as my frames are, these little pics excite me. I’ve spent my whole life doing things because they’re “productive” and “important”. Shooting pictures with an iPhone app is neither, really, at least in the original definitions of those words. But for me, right now, they mean the world.

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8 Comments

  • Reply Author X June 22, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    I feel your TV and CP would get along great with my own, haha! Been there. :] I see a lot of myself in your post here. Spent so much time trying to find a path in life and school that was “productive” and “important” and “profitable.” I’m finally on the path to do something that makes me happy. I create for me and that happiness shows and translates into the work. Just make sure to do what makes *you* happy. That happiness will be clear and evident in your work. It’ll be contagious to all those who experience it!

    Nice shots, by the way. Keep going, they’re great! :]

    Thanks for sharing the links and I am really excited to find the Jen Lee site!

    • Reply justine July 8, 2010 at 10:41 pm

      thanks & thanks 🙂

  • Reply All Signs Point To – Create Now! « Allowing Myself February 19, 2011 at 6:33 pm

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  • Reply sensitivesteve March 26, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    I’m reading your blog chronologically, as if it were a novel. Maybe it is. Anyway, this is my favorite post so far. Because there’s some drama. Not the second-order drama of you telling us about the drama of your feeling drama, but the first-order drama of reveal/conceal. Our blogs are front-stage versions of ourselves but as in most interactions in life people (and perhaps we ourselves) are always trying to penetrate and see what’s “really” going in back-stage.

    Here’s the crucial paragraph for me:

    “Whether it was that relationship, a Saturn Cycle or just the course my life took, my inner-self cracked and refracted from then on. I ended up continuing on my originally planned path but somehow a different person.”

    This is your self-proclaimed (rare for you with regard to personal history) turning-point that leads to your current seeming-dilemma of having everything “on paper” but somehow struggling with feeling it as being really-authentically-you.

    (Obvi, all of this is IMHO, and may bear no relation to what is commonly referred to as r.e.a.l.i.t.y at all ;-)).

    This whole post (with the great pics, btw, i agree with you) is like a really good flashback from LOST and we know what a compliment that is. And, of course, the flashbacks always gave us the “truth” of the character involved, right?

    Thing is that your flashbacks are “revealing” some things (the turning-point, the situations) but “concealing” others (the gritty but alluring details, the TDAYM — trauma-drama-and-yo-mama — the back stage).

    It’s like the end of season (can’t remember which) reveal where Jack ends up with the coffin in that dingy funeral parlor in downtown L.A. but we don’t know who’s in it and how he got there…

    • Reply justine April 4, 2011 at 6:17 pm

      Thanks Steve – I’m hoping that by wading through your comments I’ll see the defining string that links all the posts that can be my “authentic” voice vs my random-posting voice. I agree that this post tells a store and bring the past and the present together. And I totally forgot I wrote all this – thanks for the reminder!

  • Reply Willing To See « Allowing Myself April 9, 2011 at 5:55 pm

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  • Reply Point – Shoot – Marvel « Allowing Myself May 9, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    […] written communications, and not so gifted in drawing, it wasn’t until I was 15 yrs old that photography came into my life. It didn’t stay for very long, maybe the rest of high school, and then was buried with a lot […]

  • Reply Sundays Are For (Week 11) « Allowing Myself October 7, 2012 at 8:04 pm

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