Feeling, Living

Ten.One

September 16, 2017

flower

  1. Lying in bed, post-shower wet hair cool on my neck. His hand across my belly, the sunlight waving off the leaves as the wind comes through in a rush again.
  2. Choosing between sleep or doing my own thing when I have free time. Sleep almost always wins. Frustration ensues.
  3. Sitting in her crib, playing, then babbling, then complaining, until she finally folded her body over her legs, and sleeps.
  4. Worries about the dog – is he grumpy? angry? bored? old? All of the above? I miss when it was just us by ourselves. Sometimes I go the whole day without scratching his ears. I try to make it up to him with extra hugs and cuddles before bed.
  5. He plays guitar quietly, locked in the walk-in closet. I know he needs that time as much as I need this writing here.
  6. One night after work, I leave my phone in my bag and don’t check it for hours. I play with A, eat dinner, clean up, do bedtime, hang with H. My mind feels much more spacious without the interruptions and bright screen.
  7. It was chilly enough for the heated seats in the car this morning. Probably overkill, but I’m reveling in any signs of cooler weather.
  8. I ate baba ganoush 4 times this week. Can’t get enough.
  9. It’s getting darker earlier now, though I also can’t wrap my brain around the fact that we’re halfway through September, or crazier, 6 weeks from her first birthday.
  10. “Sink deeply into what is good in your life right now,” she said. I’m trying.

*Inspired by Alisha Sommer at Sommersalt

Feeling, Mothering

Daises

August 25, 2017

daises

I want you to know the good, not just the hard.

That tonight A chased me around the bedroom, giggling as she rapid-fire crawled. That she gives kisses with her mouth wide open and her little bottom teeth poke my cheek. That all I want to do is hold her and watch her point her tiny finger and say “Dat”.

She woke up crying at 4am. We let her go for 15 minutes, but it didn’t look like it would let up, so I got out of bed to get her. It used to be that her cries, even her little whiny “dolphin” chirps would give me such anxiety, I would squeeze my eyes shut and pray that she’d just fall back to sleep. Now, though, even if she’s crying, even if it’s 4am, it’s like Christmas every time I wake up and think, “She’s awake,” because that means I get to hang out with her soon.

I picked her up out of the crib, sat us down in the rocking chair, and she latched on like the little pro she is now. She nursed and nursed. Clearly hunger was why she was up. When she was done I gave her a pacifier and set her back down in the crib where she fell back asleep till 7am.

All of this feels so good now, so lucky. Her sleeping through the night, her nursing well, her needing me and me wanting her. Yes, it’s hard and some days are rough and I can feel the wave of “oh, just wait until they…” (insert challenging milestone here) but I need to revel in this spot a minute.

I have a deep appreciation for this little place that we’ve arrived at, where it all just feels so damn magical.

I am one lucky mama.


For the month of August, I am posting each day using a prompt from The August Break challenge by Susannah Conway. The prompts encourage a “month of paying attention” which goes hand-in-hand with my new moon intention to focus on my creativity. I’m sharing all my photos on Instagram with #jtaugustbreak

Feeling, Living, Mothering

One Regret

August 24, 2017

LadyA_hike

That anxiety, Type-A-ness, panic, worry, loss, heartbreak, self-pity and self-bullying blocked our relationship at the start. That fear overcame love for a time. That I missed out enjoying so much because of the pain. That I lost myself for a while there. That we can’t get that time back.

So instead, we move forward, into the light, into the laughter, into love.


Read more about pregnancy loss and my mothering journey.

For the month of August, I am posting each day using a prompt from The August Break challenge by Susannah Conway. The prompts encourage a “month of paying attention” which goes hand-in-hand with my new moon intention to focus on my creativity. I’m sharing all my photos on Instagram with #jtaugustbreak

Living

Favorite Color

August 21, 2017

teal_cowel

Teal. Aqua. Turquoise. Like this shirt that I am obsessed with from Columbia.

But also: maroon, plum, seafoam green, navy, chartreuse, dark blue, blush pink, hot pink, gray, periwinkle blue, a golden orange, Pantone’s color of the year 2017 – greenery – and yellow.

Yellow makes the best accent color.

Most of my athletic gear is teal, pink or blue. Most of my clothing is navy, gray, maroon or turquoise.

Those blues and greens, colors of a peacock’s tail.


For the month of August, I am posting each day using a prompt from The August Break challenge by Susannah Conway. The prompts encourage a “month of paying attention” which goes hand-in-hand with my new moon intention to focus on my creativity. I’m sharing all my photos on Instagram with #jtaugustbreak

Creating, Feeling

Dragon

August 21, 2017

textsWe’re in the second-to-last season of Game of Thrones.

I’ve been thinking lately about loving what you love. About letting other people love what they love. About not criticizing, critiquing, or generally dismissing what brings us joy. Liz Lamoreux speaks about this often (most recently in an IG story where we was super excited about going to see Kenny Rogers in concert, and then asked that her viewers not reply with their opinions of The Gambler’s music – just let her be in it and enjoy).

During my Myers-Briggs training I found out that I am a “critical” INFJ. This preference serves me well in life – I gain credibility by using my NF-ness to suss out situations with a knowing that other people may not be able to feel or articulate, combine it with my critical eye, and create visions, solutions and efficiency. However, this preference also keeps me at arms length from other people. Like my Venus in Aquarius, I can love humanity, but I have a tougher time with the guy sitting next to me at Starbucks (especially if he’s talking loudly on his cell phone or bumping his chair into mine).

That arms-length way of being, that critical-of-other-people viewpoint, comes back to criticism of myself. And one of the ways I can release a little of that self-pressure is to really let myself LOVE what I love. Revel in it. Soak it all up. Explode with joy.

Enter GoT. Lately, I don’t care about spoilers, how it coincides with the books, how silly it was to have Ed Sheeran appear as a Lannister soldier. I just want to live in Westeros world.

On Sundays, we watch the newest episode, as early at 7pm PST. Then sometime during the week, I dive into the newest form of literary criticism, videos on Youtube that dive into the whys, hows and symbolism in the show.

New Rockstars is my favorite for this. They produce two GoT shows per week – a discussion format called Westeros Weekly and then an in-depth analysis in the form of an episode breakdown. Recently, the New York Times did an article on them (I felt so proud). The passion and intelligence New Rockstars have for their work is contagious. They love it. I love that they do.

Other things that I’m loving right now:
Cheyenne Barton’s Instagram, IG stories and Youtube channel
Judah and The Lion, especially Suit and Jacket
NASA
Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness’ Fire Escape
Liz Lamoreux’s Instagram and IG stories
Esme’s Rawness of Remembering
Starbucks Early Grey with steamed almond milk and honey
Maude Garrett (and her yellow nailpolish)
The Lively Show podcast
Bullet journaling
Mira Sol’s Wild Unknown tarot card interpretations
Watching A play, listening to her babble, seeing her pull up to a stand
The National Parks (band)
H learning to play the drums
Columbia’s outlet store: this shirt, a cowel neck teal sweatshirt and these shorts.


For the month of August, I am posting each day using a prompt from The August Break challenge by Susannah Conway. The prompts encourage a “month of paying attention” which goes hand-in-hand with my new moon intention to focus on my creativity. I’m sharing all my photos on Instagram with #jtaugustbreak

Feeling

I Crave

August 17, 2017

yellow

…eggs for breakfast and hot baths and clean sheets.

…cool weather and sunlight, big windows and bigger skies.

…hot tea with honey.

…rock climbing and running.

…flow, alignment, joy.

…owning a house painted in the colors I love, possibly covered in snow.

…the quiet of hiking trails and the crashing of ocean waves.

…yoga, meditation.

…massages.

…flowers, more flowers and yes, more flowers.

…that our nursing relationship won’t end just yet and also, to have my body back solely to myself.

…that feeling of wandering and exploring with no agenda that only seems to come to us on vacation days where we’re left to do our own thing.

…time alone, to write, read, sleep.

…new jeans, new bras, new t-shirts for this postpartum body, this new postpartum self.

…deep conversations and tapping into intuition and following spirit.

…a business of my own that will give me freedom and allow me to do my best work in this world.

…more time together.

…a lot more sleep.


For the month of August, I am posting each day using a prompt from The August Break challenge by Susannah Conway. The prompts encourage a “month of paying attention” which goes hand-in-hand with my new moon intention to focus on my creativity. I’m sharing all my photos on Instagram with #jtaugustbreak