Creating, Feeling, Living

MIA

August 2, 2016

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I had every good intention of posting regularly since I decided to share my pregnancy news, but my emotions had different plans.

I read somewhere that weeks 18 through 26 are the “honeymoon” period of pregnancy. You get to enjoy baby kicks and a cute belly without medical tests or being super uncomfortable. Now on the other side, I can see how that’s true. Those ~8wks were some of the easier ones, and it was good timing because we traveled for a wedding and MOVED APARTMENTS (more on this in a bit).

Each day brings new challenges. It’s like a video game where you’re fighting one type of villain with a certain weapon, and then all these other little monsters come flying out of the corner of the screen requiring a different skill set, and as you master one technique another threat pops up and can only be neutralized by yet another new weapon…of which you have yet to find because you haven’t found the key that unlocks a door to some armory…

You get the point.

Ideas for posts flitted through my head at 22w, 24w, and even this past weekend, when I found myself experiencing dehydration, exhaustion and an inability to sleep. But the writing’s been elusive. Photography fades into the background. My creative spirit is there, but I can’t seem to get enough rest / headspace / quiet to share anything.

I know this is related to my losses. It’s hard to share the good or the bad when I’m frozen, detaching from the current experience to protect my heart. When those losses come flooding back trauma triggered and overwhelming me to the point where I can’t breathe. Where there’s anxiety turning into terror and then gratitude moving to pure joy.

Where I am “grieving AND creating new life at the same time“.

My hope is that I’ll be sharing more here, that I’ve somehow made it through and leveled-up. No guarantees though. If pregnancy is teaching me anything it’s this:

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brené Brown

Living, Photographing, Reading

Eight, 100 Days Project

June 30, 2016

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Jillian’s writing is some of my favorite and her Instagram is full of outdoorsy, creative, adventure inspiration. Also, I love when people leave up their archives. One day I went down the rabbit hole of hers and it’s awesome to see the progress in both her photography and her jewelry making. Gives me hope for my future endeavors.

I will keep plugging Jen Lee and Tim Manley’s podcast Just Between You & Me as long as they keep making it. Episode 33 is one of my favorites.

Less social media / mindless phone scrolling helps free up space in my mind. Tim’s also got an app for that – Lock Screen Love. Mine currently has a reminder to check in with my body. What little reminder could you use during your day?

See all of my 100 Days Project posts.

Feeling

Caught In A Rip

June 27, 2016

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“If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place…”

When you write and publish stories online knowing full well people will read it, it’s sometimes hard to say how you really feel.

Overall, things are awesome. Lady Wads is doing great – she’s growing, and her kicks are stronger and more frequent. H and I are good – we’re working as a team to transition our lives into this new chapter. Work is fine – I continue to get things done and events play off. Coaching is fun – and something that pulls me out of myself and into the larger flow of life.

But, to tell you the truth, I’m not doing well.

Each day my energy runs from OK to barely there. I find myself struggling to concentrate or focus. Words come out backwards. I can’t seem to get up in the morning, while my dreams are so epic, it’s like I spend all night hallucinating. Feelings run from anxious to sadness to guilt. I cry…a lot.

It’s like that time H and I were swimming in Venice and pulled out by the current. In my effort to stay afloat, I panicked. It took me forever to realize I needed help. It never occurred to me I was caught in a rip.

“I feel just like I’m sinking and I claw for solid ground. I’m pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low… oh darkness I feel like letting go.”

When it comes down to it, being pregnant after loss is really, really hard for me. I thought I did so well talking about the loss, writing about it, healing, surviving…but the undertow is strong and pulling me down.

A rip current is a sucking river of water that’s rushing to get back out to sea. If you fight it, it will exhaust you to the point where you could drown. If you float on it, however, it will take you further out, yes, but eventually it will release you. Only then can you swim back to shore.

As I write this, I understand that the same survival techniques apply to how I’m currently feeling. Keep calm, breathe, conserve energy, float, don’t panic and wave for help. Most importantly, go with the flow.

Let that current take you out until it lets you go.

“I know I can love you much better than this… full of grace.”

(All lyrics in italics from Sarah McLachlan’s Full Of Grace)

Creating, Feeling, Photographing

Seven, 100 Days Project

June 23, 2016

100daysflowers04100daysflowers05Sometimes the links are broken or the photo won’t resize and you let out a huff of frustration. The dog keeps standing up, shaking off and turning around, feeling your anxiety, not able to get comfortable. You wish you could go back and not drink that second cup of coffee or fast forward to the evening when you can finally drop into bed to sleep.

Some days are just not your thing… and that’s OK.

I won’t tell you to have a good day, I’ll just tell you to have a day.

See all of my 100 Days Project posts.

Uncategorized

Summer Solstice + Full Moon

June 20, 2016

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What a full day of energy we have here. We’re experiencing both a second full moon in Sagittarius *and* the summer solstice. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been picking up intense vibes for a while now. Today feels like an ushering in of clearing the old out, growth and gratitude.

At the new moon, I set the intention of finding a new apartment. H’s been looking for years, but the LA rental market is insane and I was too in love with our current place to really put the feelers out there. On Thursday evening, 4 days before the full moon, a place became available that seemed the right bang for our buck. I’ll share more soon depending on the outcome, but it feels like a “…great opportunity to turn this summer time frame into preparation for major growth and movement in our ability to align our hearts, our lives, our vision, our thoughts with Spirit and center our selves in true power like never before.” ~Pat Liles

Hello new place + baby + business. Whew.

Compiled some links for you below in case you’d like to dive into more info:

Hope your summer is off to a lovely, if a bit rambunctious, start.

Creating, Living, Photographing

Six, 100 Days Project

June 16, 2016

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Doesn’t that top one look like a painting?

Still going… this week marks 50% completed (conveniently also 50% of the way through my pregnancy).

You can always visit #100dayproject for more inspiration.

See all of my 100 Days Project posts.